3 Benefits of One-On-One Time

One-on-one time between a father and his child is essential, to ensure that child knows, deep within his or her innermost being, that he or she is unconditionally loved, accepted, and belongs… which is the most important message that every child needs to receive from their Dad, in order to live a whole and healthy life, and experience whole and healthy relationships, for a lifetime.

For me (Darren), one-on-one time is non-negotiable.

It is with great pleasure, that I introduce the following guest blogger… a man whom I respect greatly… a Pioneer in the international “fatherhood” movement… Mr Carey Casey, and specifically his recent short but crucial blog post, “3 Benefits of One-On-One Time”…



If you have more than one child, sometimes you still need to go one-on-one.

I often challenge dads to commit to that “alone” time with each of their children. Here are three powerful reasons:

1. One-on-one time lets kids know they are very important.

Your kids know your calendar is jammed, and they also know how you choose to spend your free time. If you carve out regular time with them—just the two of you—that makes a big statement, and tells them they are a priority to you.

Do be creative and plan cool outings, but really it almost doesn’t matter what you do; your gift of time makes your child feel valued, needed, secure, even empowered.

2. Kids open up during that time.

Derek is a dad I know who has teenagers, and he confesses things can get a little bit tense from time to time. Usually it’s just minor stuff around the house and personality clashes.

But Derek says it quickly changes when he’s out on one of their runs for ice cream or iced coffee. They get in the car and almost right away his child will start talking about something going on in his life. He knows that it’s dad time, and it’s like he’s been saving up topics or questions. He opens up in unexpected ways.

Dad, don’t miss those priceless opportunities.

3. Things happen when you’re doing something together.

Maybe the car breaks down, or you get pulled over for speeding. Maybe someone you see needs help. Or maybe you see friends and have a short conversation. In all those situations, you are modelling for your child how to respond with maturity and grace. You’re also learning more about your child by watching how he handles situations.

Or maybe you’ll run into someone your child knows while you’re out, and you can ask, “So you know them pretty well?” “Where do you see them at school?” And so on. All kinds of interesting things can happen when you and your child are together somewhere.

Dad, take full advantage of frequent one-on-one adventures. Just go get a frozen yogurt, take a long walk, visit a bookstore, or do any activity your child enjoys. But it’s up to you to make sure it happens. Schedule it; be intentional. Don’t let the busy-ness of life crowd out special time with your son or daughter.

Carey Casey is the CEO of the National Center for Fathering (NCF), as well as a husband, father, and grandfather. He is author of “
Championship Fathering”, co-author of “It’s Great Being a Dad”, and general editor of “The 21-Day Dad’s Challenge”.

 

 

 


And of course we also recommend that you consider experiencing ‘Fathering Adventures‘ … www.fatheringadventures.com.au … with one of your sons, or one of your daughters, in a location near you, or perhaps a location even further afield.

We look forward to serving you and child (and your entire family in doing so) in 2016.

4 Questions Every Father Should Ask Himself

Psychologists tell us that 80% of who we are today, was formed in the first 6 years of our lives. And of course the key characters in that part of the story of our lives, was our fathers and our mothers.

To be the best father we can possibly be… and I truly believe that’s the desire of every father… we must first look back, and examine how it was that we ourselves were fathered, as sons.

Throughout the course of each of our Father-Son Adventure experiences… I ask a series of questions to the fathers, that cause them to reflect on how it was, their relationship with their own fathers affected them.

Here are just four (4) questions that every father should ask himself, to help him be the father that he longs to be:

 

1. Did your father ever take you away on some kind of adventure or trip… just the 2 of you?

I have no memory of my father ever doing something with just me. And that unknowingly affects a child. When a father does make his c
hild a priority, and takes him or her away with him, and they share an experience together… one-on-one… the child comes to know that he or she has been chosen, that he or she is truly loved by his or her father, that he or she is indeed the apple of his or her father’s eye. And that knowing deep within his or her innermost being, does something powerful in the heart of a child. It establishes a true identity, on a strong and solid foundation. I’ve discovered that like me, very few fathers today… far too few… were ever given the opportunity to share such an experience with their Dads. We as fathers ourselves now, need to remedy that, when it comes to our children, and our relationship with each of them.

 

2. Did your father ever tell you all three of the following things…

  1. I love you, including the things he loved most about you.?
  2. I’m proud of you, and why it was he was so proud to have been your Dad.?
  3. I see you, I see what you are good at, and I believe that you have what it takes to be a good man or woman.?

If so… you have heard your father say the things that you needed to hear from him the most. If not… then please know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, that is once again the experience of far too many… including our own fathers, from their fathers. For me, I finally heard the words “I love you.”, just 3 weeks before my father passed away, more than a decade ago now… and those words came, only after I had initiated the exchange, like on many occasions before then, that went unacknowledged.

3. Did you ever receive the “What every boy needs to know about being a man” speech?

I wish my Dad, or some other man for that matter, had taken me aside at an appropriate time in my life, and told me what it meant to be a real man, what a real man does, how a real man treats a woman, children, & others etc… but like so many other men I’ve met, that was not my experience. To be fair… my Dad had never received such a speech himself… and therefore was unable to offer it to me, or my younger brother. How about you? Are you equipped and prepared to offer such a speech to / cast such a vision upon, your son, as he stands on the threshold of manhood? And how about your daughter? Have you been instrumental in ensuring that she knows what it means to be a healthy, secure woman?

4. When did you become a man?

Can you remember a specific moment in your life, when you were told that you were no longer a boy, but a man? I can’t. I was engaged at age 18, married at age 20, and had my first son at age 23… but when I look back over those years, I was still very much a boy, in a man’s body, and in a man’s life. Again, very few men are able to recall such a moment. And once again, as fathers, we need to do this differently. We need to bestow a masculine identity upon our sons, and a feminine identity upon our daughters. We need to usher our sons, and our daughters too, into and through a rite-of-passage type experience… providing a moment, and even better, several moments, that they will never forget.

‘Fathering Adventures’ is an organization that offers Father-Son and Dad & Daughter Adventure Weekend experiences, which equip fathers of children aged 7 to 13 years inclusive, in numerous locations around Australia, to offer exactly what their children really need from them most.

We also offer 4 and 5 Night Father-Son Adventure experience packages, for fathers and their sons (minimum age of 13 years, with no maximum age limit), which provide the all-important process of transitioning boys & girls into young manhood & young womanhood respectively, and young men & young women into authentic manhood & healthy womanhood respectively… ensuring that they respond to my above-mentioned questions, in a very different way to that which you and I have had to respond.

So if you would like to share in an Adventure experience with either your son or daughter, or your very own father for that matter, then we encourage you to explore all of our Father-Son and Dad & Dauhter Adventure experience packages on offer today, online at  www.fatheringadventures.com.au, or by phoning Darren Lewis on 0431 839 035.

Isaac’s Invitation into a Community of Men Weekend

It was early Saturday morning December 11, 2010, and I had organised 5 other men to join me… to call my second son Isaac (14 years of age) out of the world of boys & women, and call him into a community of men, as I had done for his older brother 3 years earlier. This was to be just one of the numerous moments Isaac will experience during his 2-year long vision quest, which commenced on his 13th birthday, and will conclude on his 15th birthday with a final ceremony and celebration. It’s his rite-of-passage… the years set apart for him to transition out of the stage of boyhood, and initiated into young manhood.

I had planned a weekend away for us all… a weekend of adventure (abseiling… rappelling for those of my American friends reading… and fishing)… a weekend of masculinity bestowing masculinity… a weekend where my son would experience first-hand how real men have fun together… preparing him if you will… to easily identify any counterfeit adventure he might come across in the future, like teenage boys consuming alcohol, and experimenting with drug use.

And so the weekend officially began… all of us men calling out Isaac’s name from our front yard, whilst Isaac sat inside talking with his Mother. That conversation had also been planned by me. Did I mention that Isaac had no idea about any of this? Isaac and my wife Melissa… Isaac’s mother… came to the front door to find us men there waiting for them both. I stepped forward… about half way between the other men and Melissa & Isaac.

I reminded Melissa how nearly 14 years earlier, there was a postpartum… a separation that occurred at Isaac’s birth… a cutting of the cord, and how now was the time for a second postpartum to occur… Isaac leaving behind the stage of boyhood, to join a community of men. In the presence of Isaac and the other men (and a couple of younger brothers by this point in time… not to mention a number of onlooking neighbours), I honoured Melissa for her role as my wife and the mother of our children. And then I asked her to release Isaac into the care of this community of men I had assembled… all of who had played an important role in Isaac’s life previously. She released him with her blessing… and of course some tears.

And then it was Isaac’s turn. It was time for him to respond to our invitation of him joining this community of men. What would it cost him? Leaving boyhood behind! The process was a moving experience for Isaac too. He wiped away his tears, hugged his mother, and advanced toward me, and then I lead him toward the other men, where each one of us blessed & affirmed him… speaking deeply into his life. And then we all jumped into our car… a beaten up old Tarago, and we embarked upon the 4 hour drive North.

When we arrived, we had some lunch and suited up our harnesses for our abseiling adventure. And then down came the rain. It poured down without ceasing, flooded the area, and then after an hour, the abseiling was postponed until the following morning.

Overnight the heavy rain had reduced to just light showers. We all ate a hearty breakfast, and then the sky cleared. We suited up again, and this time, we were off. Isaac was nervous. Saying that he’s not fond of heights is an understatement. But he wanted to go over the edge and down the cliff nonetheless. And so he began. He pushed through his fears, and went over the edge… maybe 1 to 2 metres down the vertical rock-face, before telling our guides he wanted to climb back up to the top, and not continue downward.

Even though he had navigated through the scariest part of an abseiling experience (going over the edge), I knew as his father, I was needed at that moment, to speak against all of the waves of accusation that would come against him. And that’s exactly what was going on within him. He was ashamed that he had not completed the adventure. He wept openly, and referred to himself as a failure. That’s when I spoke truth into him… that he was not a failure… that despite his fear of heights, he went over the edge.

After I had helped him to calm down, I asked him if he’d like me to buy him a Coke. He said that he didn’t deserve it, and so in I went again… to play my part as his Dad… to rescue him, to guard his heart, to speak against the lies with truth. It was beautiful. What if I had not been there to interpret what he thought was failing? How many of us have had such an experience, and not had anyone there to interpret the moment?

Afterwards, I asked all of the men to gather around a table where I shared what had been going on inside of Isaac. I told them what I had said to him, and invited each of them to also share what they saw in Isaac. The words of encouragement flowed, and Isaac began to believe. His countenance shifted, and from then on, he held his head high.

If you have a son aged 13 and up… there’s no maximum age limit, and it’s never too late… then bring him along to a 5 Night Father-Son Adventure with us and other father-son pairs from around the world. Register your interest here.

I also encourage you to share a story of yours here… of a time when you began to believe a negative message about yourself. Did you have a Dad, a significant male other, or even better still, a community of men to help interpret the moment for you… to fight for your heart?

P.S. I believe there is great value in providing a Mother’s perspective on the concept of masculine initiation, and so, I invited my wife Melissa to share some of her own reflections from this specific weekend…

“What a significant moment….I came inside after releasing Isaac and couldn’t just go back to what I was doing before. Something BIG had just taken place in both our lives. Excitement for Isaac and pride in Darren were just 2 of the many emotions swirling in my heart. It is hard to let go as a mum. It is not without a desperate desire to hold on…..to say “not yet”. But to see Isaac’s response to his dad and the other men calling him out was most overwhelming. It was a defining point in time, when he needed me to release him to go forth and become all that he should be. It was beyond words. While hugging him goodbye I whispered to him “You are going to be an incredible man Isaac”. He has just started this journey into young manhood and it is wonderful to know that he is not doing it on his own.”

I’ll provide more for Mothers of sons… specifically those with sons who are being / have been initiated… next time… including some more reflections from Melissa on the process, and perhaps even more importantly… the fruit of it. Next time!